


Draussen wirds schon hell

by WWthemoonD



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-02-16 04:18:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18683989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WWthemoonD/pseuds/WWthemoonD
Summary: Projecting my own mental health issues onto Matteo. Chapters vary in optimism depending on how my mood is when written.





	1. Chapter 1

Matteo stares at the ceiling. His brain feels like it’s screaming. The music in his headphones is loud, but he can only barely hear it. His phone vibrates.

  Jonas: Dude, where are you?

He looks at the words for a solid minute before dropping the phone back onto the bed. The screaming continues. Matteo can see the sun rising, but he doesn’t care. Another vibration.

  Jonas: Seriously dude

  Jonas: Are you still here?

He sighs and changes the song. The sun is casting pink shadows all over his walls. Matteo stares at the ceiling and tries to ignore the screaming in his head. The phone starts ringing, an old picture of Jonas filling his screen. He looks at the phone as it rings. It rings and it rings. And it rings again. Nine calls later it finally stops. He changes the song again.

  Jonas: Dude

  Jonas: Just let me know you’re alive

  Jonas: I won’t stop until you say something.

  Matteo: Don’t worry

  Jonas: Alright man, see you another time

  Jonas: Let me know if you need anything

  Matteo: K

Orange replaces the pink as the sun keeps rising. Matteo stares at the ceiling and his brain feels like it will explode from all the screaming. He changes the song.

 

He can smell the fact that he hasn’t showered in days. It should bother him, but it doesn’t. The shower seems far away and so he continues staring at the ceiling.

 

Hans and Mia take turns leaving plates of food on his nightstand, replacing each untouched meal with a new one. He is almost always asleep when it happens, and when he isn’t he ignores their worried looks in favor of staring at the ceiling. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see them standing there for a few minutes.

 

There is no music in his headphones, so his phone must be out of battery. He can’t be bothered to find the charger, so he continues to stare at the ceiling in silence. A fly is walking right above him. He turns his head and sees that the window has been opened. His gaze turns back to the ceiling. The fly has moved. He stares at the ceiling before falling back asleep.

 

When he wakes up in a cold sweat his brain is screaming. He kicks the duvet onto the floor and reaches for his headphones. The phone stays black as he picks it up and clicks the home button. He drops it on the bed and stares at the ceiling. It is dark outside his window, and dark inside his room. It is dark outside his window, and dark inside his mind. He stares at the ceiling as his brain screams.

 

The next time he wakes up, it’s because Jonas is shaking his shoulders. He looks at his friend and then at the ceiling.

\- You haven’t replied to my texts in a while, Jonas says instead of greeting him.

\- Yeah, uh, my phone is out of battery?

It comes out as a question even though he doesn’t mean it that way.

\- That’s what the charger is for, idiot.

\- It’s uh not here I think, he says slowly.

\- Where then? Jonas asks as he stands up. Matteo shrugs his shoulders.

\- Hanna told me you’re not eating, Jonas says from the other end of the room.

\- How would she know? Matteo asks the ceiling.

\- Well, ever since you stopped replying to our texts she’s forcing Mia to keep her posted, Jonas sighs as he plugs Matteo’s charger into the wall.

\- Oh, is all Matteo can say.

\- Right, okay, I gotta go to school now, but can you please send a text once in a while?

Matteo nods and Jonas fist bumps his knee. Then he is gone and Matteo can keep staring at the ceiling in peace.

 

Mia enters his room one evening. She sits down on the edge of the bed and combs his hair out of his face. He stares at the ceiling.

\- Hanna is worried about you, she says softly.

\- Okay, Matteo says to the ceiling.

\- Me too.

\- Okay.

\- There’s been a boy here asking for you. David, do you know him?

Mia looks at him curiously but he avoids her gaze.

\- Kinda, he admits.

\- Should I let him in next time?

He looks at her briefly before turning back to the ceiling. For a few seconds he contemplates it.

\- No, he says finally. Not right now.

\- Okay, she smiles. Let me know if that changes.

With that she gets up and leaves him to his brain. In what seems like the distance, he can hear it screaming. The ceiling stares back at him.

 

Matteo can’t sleep. His brain is screaming and he can’t hear the music in his headphones, even though the volume is on max. The air is cold on his skin and tears are running down his cheeks. It is dark outside his window, and dark inside his room. It is dark outside his window, and dark inside his mind. He pushes his head into the bed in an attempt to change something. His brain is still screaming and the ceiling is still staring back at him.

 

The tears are still running when he wakes up. He rubs his eyes and stares at the ceiling. Hans comes into his room with a sandwich, kissing him on the cheek as he places it on his chest. Matteo’s eyes are on the ceiling and Hans leaves. He changes the song and keeps staring.


	2. Chapter 2

Matteo wishes he could just stare at the ceiling and throw his phone away, but he promised Jonas he’d reply to texts every now and then. And so he sends a “cool” or some gif to a couple things in the group chat. He opens the chat he has with Hanna, skimming through what feels like endless texts worrying about him.

  Matteo: Can’t talk about it. Appreciate you though 🖤

He wonders if it’s too much. Even if it is, it’s too late now.

  Hanna: 💖💖💖

He waits for her to write something more, but she doesn’t. In his head he thanks her for the short reply, before going back to staring at the ceiling.

His phones buzzes. He stares at the ceiling and the ceiling stares back at him. The thought of the schoolwork he’s not doing is daunting. His mind starts shrinking in on him.  _Fuck_ , he thinks.  _Fuck all this fucking shit_. He can feel his heart beating faster and hear his brain faintly screaming. He grabs his headphones and pushes the end of the cord into his phone. The screams of his brain are still growing louder when he clicks the home button and sees the notification.

  David: Everything okay?

His brain goes silent for a few seconds while his heart speeds up. Then, as if it had become aware of its own silence, his brain goes back to screaming. He shuffles his calm playlist and holds the headphones to his ears. The ceiling seems closer than usual, and he throws the duvet away before it can crush him.  _Go away! Please! GO AWAY!_

Matteo is staring at the ceiling when Jonas bursts through the door.

\- Dude, I need you at school! Carlos is just hanging with Kiki all the time and Abdi is driving me crazy with all this talk about Sam!

Jonas is gesturing wildly as he speaks and Matteo shoots him a glance.

\- Uh, Luigi, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look all skin and bones. When was the last time you ate?

\- The other day, he shrugs.

\- As in which other day? Jonas asks, his voice dripping with concern.

Matteo doesn’t know how to reply to that, so he just turns his back to Jonas. He probably ate sometime some other day.  _What day is it even today?_  he wonders to himself.

\- Yesterday? Jonas tries. The day before yesterday? Or the day before that?

Tears are forming in his eyes, he doesn’t want concern from Jonas. He just wants to be alone and to stare at the ceiling. He knows Jonas cares about him. He doesn’t want that. He wants no one to care about him and to just stop existing. Jonas seems to feel the mood having changed, because he lies down next to Matteo, not doing anything, just lying there. For a few minutes Matteo doesn’t move, barely breathes. Then he turns around and cries silently into Jonas shoulder.

Hours pass. Matteo cries while Jonas runs a hand over his back, creating patterns of comfort.

\- It’s bad, Matteo whispers. It’s really bad. It’s … dark even though it’s daytime and I don’t understand why.

\- We’ll figure it out, Jonas whispers back to him. We always figure it out, don’t we?

\- Yeah, he sighs.

They stay there, on the bed, until morning.

Matteo jostles awake when the alarm rings on Jonas phone. Jonas looks just as surprised as he feels to have fallen asleep. Neither of them moves after Jonas snoozes the alarm.

\- Alright, I gotta go, man, Jonas says when the alarm rings again.

Matteo nods.

\- I’ll come back after school and maybe … we could eat something?

Jonas question hangs in the air while he fishes a t-shirt out of Matteo’s closet. Matteo watches him change into it. Jonas walks over to him and reaches his fist out. Somehow Matteo manages to touch it with his own fist.

\- Bye, dude. Love you.

And with that, Matteo is alone again. He turns his head to stare at the ceiling, but it looks different.


	3. Chapter 3

When Jonas shows up, Matteo’s brain has been screaming for an hour. It doesn’t have a reason to be doing so, but still, it is. Jonas sits down on the bed and pulls out a grocery bag from his backpack. Matteo watches him as he empties it between them. Chips, a few beers, carrots, a readymade tzatziki and a baguette fill the space on the duvet. He can’t help but laugh at Jonas’s attempt to feed him.

\- Alright dude, Jonas says and opens a beer. I just brought some stuff and whatever you feel like, just go for it, man.

Matteo runs his hand over the items before tearing a piece off of the baguette and dunking it into the tzatziki.

 

He tries to ignore his brain while Jonas plays some farming mobile game. That’s when he remembers the text David sent him. He reaches for his phone.

  David: Everything okay?

He stares at the message. He wants nothing more than to reply to it, but he doesn’t know how to. Should he say he’s fine? Or that he’s got the flu? He looks over at Jonas, who’s still tapping away. Matteo works up the courage.

\- Uh, you know the beanie guy? From your math class? he says.

\- Yeah, Jonas nods.

\- He texted me the other day and asked how I was.

\- Really? Jonas looks surprised.

\- Yeah

\- That’s nice of him.

\- Yeah, Matteo says and squeezes a small smile onto his lips. It’s just … I haven’t been able to reply to it and I don’t want him to think I’m ignoring him.

Jonas stays silent. He looks at Matteo, waiting.

\- I uh … I don’t know what to tell him.

\- The truth? Jonas asks.

\- No! he yelps. I mean, yeah, but … if he knew what a mess I am he wouldn’t wanna hang with me anymore.

\- How do you know that?

\- Because no one wants to hang with such a mess, he sighs.

Jonas punches his arm lightly and laughs.

\- I’m hanging with you.

\- Yeah, but you’re … you.

\- What’s that supposed to mean? Jonas says and pulls a mock offended look.

\- It’s just that he’s such a cool guy and I’m totally uncool and I don’t want him to find that out. Not yet at least.

\- You’re only half uncool though, Jonas says jokingly.

\- Could you maybe … just like tell h- yeah tell him that I can’t reply right now but I will later?

\- Yeah, I have maths tomorrow.

\- Thanks, he whispers.

\- Just don’t get too cool to hang with me when you two start hanging, Jonas scoffs sarcastically.

\- Yeah whatever.

 

Later that evening, Matteo looks at his phone again. He picks it up and opens WhatsApp. The green circle next to David’s picture makes him panic and he closes the app. Then he shuts the phone off. The ceiling is calling him, asking him to see it. And so he does. He stares intently at all dents in it, at each crack and every mark. The ceiling stares back at him and it makes him feel strangely calm.

 

He breaks his staring when Hans walks into his room.

\- Hello darling, Hans smiles.

\- Not hungry.

\- I don’t believe you, but Jonas told me he managed to get some food into that body of yours.

Matteo sighs and pulls the duvet over himself.

\- Was that all? he asks.

\- No, Hans says and sits down next to him. Mia and I wanted to throw a party next week. Would that be okay?

\- It’s your home.

\- It’s your home too.

\- Yeah, okay, whatever. Just let me know what day so I know to lock my door.

\- Of course, darling. Thanks! Sleep well!

He listens as Hans leaves and then peeks his head out. Empty. He goes back to staring at the ceiling.


	4. Chapter 4

His heart is racing when he wakes up. Somehow his brain has managed to create a nightmare in which everyone he cares about hates him. He grabs his pillow and holds onto it while he tries to pull himself back into reality. The memory of his nightmare stays front and center in his brain. _You’re so annoying, Matteo. Why can’t you just take care of yourself? Why didn’t you show up yesterday? Where were you? Stop being so dramatic! Do you really think I care about you?_ The voices of his friends echo in his head. Was it all a nightmare? What the voices are saying is reasonable. He’s not been showering regularly, he doesn’t eat very often and he hasn’t been to school for weeks. His friends have waited for him only to be canceled on last minute. He’s not even sick, really, he just can’t be bothered. He should do all those things. He should try to be an almost-adult. But he just can’t be bothered. _You’re letting everyone down._

 

Matteo has been replaying the nightmare for three hours when his brain finally starts screaming. Not that the screaming is pleasant, but it’s better than the thought of everyone hating him. It’s something he knows, something he’s used to. He lets his brain take the wheel, allowing it to scream as much as it wants. But as if his brain senses that, it stops screaming the wordless scream, only to replace it with the nightmare words. _STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC! YOU’RE SO ANNOYING! DO YOU REALLY THINK I CARE ABOUT YOU?_ He can feel his rib cage shrinking. _Shut up shut up shut up._ His lungs are compressed, and he can’t breathe. He feels the panic rise inside him, like small creatures with long nails, climbing through his body. Scratching and clawing their way through all his organs, ruining everything in their path. He tries to breathe in but his lungs aren’t expanding. Even if they were, they are probably ripped to shreds. The creatures climb through his neck, into his head, pulling his brain apart. Good, he thinks, I don’t need it. His vision turns slightly blurry and the corners go missing, almost as if he’s in a tunnel. He tries again to take a breath, but his body doesn’t follow his command. Soon it’s all dark.

 

Matteo once again wakes up in a pool of sweat. His throat is scratchy and all he can remember is the feeling of tiny creatures tearing him apart from inside. He feels exhausted. The ceiling is closer than ever and his clothes feel too tight. Something’s crawling inside him. He wants it gone, but doesn’t know how to make that happen. He scratches himself, pulls his clothes off, turns over several times, even pats his skin in an attempt to make it go away. No matter what he does, it continues. Like insects running in his bloodstream, all through his body, running, running, running. He can picture them, if he tries. Small, black, ant like, they run through his veins. _Well, more like swim through them_ , he thinks and almost chuckles. He ponders how it can feel like they’re running. Maybe they’re running on the outside of the blood vessels? Or waving their antennas as they’re swimming? All he knows is that he wishes them gone, but they stay. He settles for staring at the ceiling.

 

He only manages to stay still with the crawling inside him for so long, and so he gets up. Pacing around his room, running his nails over his arms, he thinks about whether pesticides work in the human body. They don’t, of course, so he’ll have to ride it out without them. As usual. Him. Alone. He puts his clothes back on, grabs his phone and heads outside. Mia and Hanna watch him as he leaves, but he doesn’t see the look of worry and confusion they share. On the street he turns left and starts walking. He keeps going until the end of it and turns onto another. Normally, he wouldn’t be walking this quickly, but the ants are pushing his legs. The burn of his muscles isn’t nice, he doesn’t like it, but they lessen the feeling of crawling. And so he walks. For hours he wanders the streets of Berlin. Fast pace, music in his ears, he passes familiar and unfamiliar houses. When the sun starts to set, he heads home, suddenly noticing the coldness on his skin. He should’ve brought a jacket.

 

Back home, he doesn’t even get the chance to make an attempt to sneak into his room. As soon as he walks into the apartment, Hanna stands up from the couch and blocks the door to his room.

\- May I please go into my room, he sighs.

\- Where have you been? she asks, placing her hands on her hips. 

- Out, why?

- Out? Matteo, you’ve been gone for five hours!

- Yeah, so?

- Where have you been? she pushes.

- Out.

- Out, where?

- Walking, he says. What’s wrong with that?

- You, she starts. Were walking. For five hours?

- Yeah.

- How? Why?

- I felt like walking. Can you just leave me alone?

He tries to shove her out of the way, but she holds her ground.

- Fine, she says after a few seconds of them staring at each other. But text me if you need anything or if you wanna talk.

- Fine.

And then she steps to the side, giving him access to the door. Matteo quickly opens it and soon he’s on his bed. His legs are aching. He closes his eyes and finally, he can sleep.


End file.
